Your Enemies Shall Never Succeed

~ livelytwist

Your enemies shall never succeed

“It’s a lie! Your enemies will never succeed!”

“So after the prayer meeting . . .”

“Yes?”

“I took the holy water to the office.”

“Eh hen?”

“I didn’t take all. I poured some into La Casera bottle—”

“You washed it first—”

“No o! Is that bad?”

“Hmmm, it would have been better to sanctify it, but well, it is well.”

“So, I got to work very early, before people started coming . . .”

“Eh hen?”

“I entered my oga’s office and I started sprinkling the holy water. Then his secretary came in—”

“Bloooood of Jesus! She saw you?”

“No. I quickly hid the bottle behind my back.”

“Good . . . good.”

“She asked me if I was looking for the leadership presentation printouts.”

“I said, ‘Yes.’ She told me to check the cabinet and left.”

“Thank God!”

“I continued sprinkling the holy water, on the desk, under the desk, on the chair, on the computer. I even sprinkled some on the pictures of his wife and children. When I finished, I started marching round the desk, then the secretary popped her head through the door—”

“Your enemies shall not succeed!”

“Amen!”

“Eh hen, what did she want?”

“She asked me if I had found it. I said, ‘Not yet—’”

“And then?”

“She said she would help me.”

“The water?”

“She asked me what it was. I said, ‘Nothing. Just drinking water—’”

“Your enemies will never succeed!”

“She asked me why I’ve been pouring it around the office.”

“Jesus! Jeeesus! . . . What did you say?”

“I said I wasn’t pouring it. She said I was lying that she had been watching me on the CCTV”

“CCTV ke?”

“Yes!”

“So what did you do?”

“We started arguing.”

“Your enemies shall never ever succeed! Eh hen?”

“Then I got angry and stormed out—”

“The holy water?”

“I . . . I . . . I left it there . . .”

“Sh*t!”

“Anyway, when I stepped out of the office, I saw people gathered round her computer.”

“Who? The secretary?”

“Yes! Someone was saying, ‘Rewind, rewind . . . ’”

“What were they watching?”

“Leave mata. I wanted to pass quietly. But she shouted, ‘Stop him!’ Then everybody looked up and started laughing.”

“Don’t worry; it is not the end of the world—”

“That’s what I thought. Until the security grabbed me—”

“What?”

“I tried to struggle—”

“Jesus!”

“The other one tackled me to the floor. Then my oga—”

“Your boss? Where did he come from?”

“I don’t know. He told me not to struggle. That I should respect myself and pack my things and leave.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. As I was packing, the security guards stood by me. They kept saying, ‘Oya hurry up!’”

“All hope is not lost. God works in mysterious ways. It is well.”

“As I was going to the lift, my oga was following me. He shouted, ‘Wait!’ So I turned.”

“Hmmm, what did he want again?”

“He said, ‘You are not the first and you will not be the last. My enemies shall never succeed!’ Then he pushed the holy water into my hands!”

“It’s a lie! Jesus!”

“What? What? . . . What is it?”

“Your enemies . . .  Osanobua! Your enemies, they have succeeded!”

 

©Timi Yeseibo 2014

 

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Timi Yeseibo and livelytwist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

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61 thoughts on “Your Enemies Shall Never Succeed”

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  6. Timi, this cracked me up 😀
    “It would have been better to sanctify it but well, it is well” 😀
    I like how she punctuates each sentence with ” your enemies shall not succeed” like a real nut case 😀
    Oh dear! Where did it all go wrong? 😀
    And one wonders why some people sing that song ” Give me that old time religion…”

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    1. Ha ha ha, give me that old time religion!
      I think I put exaggeration to good use in this post- drives the point home; makes you wonder 🙂

      Where did it all go wrong? CCTV, blame it on CCTV!

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  7. at least her enemies did not succeed, they didn’t beat her to death, all they did was cast her out, that is success, wow i kept saying in my mind please they should not catch her well they did, its ….

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  14. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to write at your posts! But I won’t allow my enemies to succeed at this point, I gotta write something. “Timi, you will not kill somebody! The last statement got me hooting at this time of the night (0100hrs)! Thanks for this. Now, I can sleep with a livelytwist-induced smile on my face. I’m sure my enemies can never succeed.” *seeps water from La Casera bottle*

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  15. Timi, this is very captivating and so funny, what people can do in the office! I really liked the listeners encouraging comments and questions. Well done and may our enemies never ever succeed

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  18. I’m back after a long hiatus and I find this very interesting, livelytwist! You see, I smell comedy from you. It’s a strong, fruity smell…and it is sweet too. Chai!

    And may our enemies never succeed in Jesus name oo. Amen! 😀

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  20. Chai!!! Every CCTV sent by our enemies to spy on our spiritual rituals will not succeed, in fact, their lens shall not fulfill their enterprise.

    But maybe he should have washed the lacasera bottle ooooo… lol.

    Enjoyed reading this, and I’m sure there are folks who have been actors in such drama.

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  23. This further entreches my belief that you are out to give comedians a run for their money…LOL
    When I received your update alert I knew I had to flag it for a time like this… Great read.
    To the story, gists like this of abound in our country… We’ve heard about those who dare to confront armed robbers with dire consequences et al in the name of religion
    Yet the holy book says, blessed is the servant that applied wisdom. 🙂

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  24. Was at the waiting room of a weekend hospital when I read this, and I couldn’t stop laughing so much that I could read the thought of the guy next to me ” is she really here for an emergency”

    Back to the story…. The oga sef must be a difficult man. Why is he the only one many people re after.. Nice piece Timi.

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  26. Hehehehe. I scarcely know whether to call this – “Boomerang,” “What goes around,” “Nemesis,” or “What Ignorance can do” etc. True, such zealous but misguided acts are still rife on this side of the planet. An attempt to break free of the stranglehold of some oppressive force(s) is made in the guise of the ‘spiritual’ yet is a trifle less than fetish. Shamefacedly and with bloodshot eyes, they get to forcibly realize that a man’s greatest enemy could just be his very self.

    Shall I say all our enemies – in real life, on CCTV, DStv, or any other tv – shall not succeed? LOL

    This was engaging, Timi, humorous and realistic, no doubt.

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    1. All our enemies – in real life, on CCTV, DStv, or any other tv – shall not succeed, ameeee o!

      A word to the wise: before you start anointing splashing with holy water, make sure there are no hidden cameras! 🙂

      Thanks Bunmi.

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