And there it was again at the end of a well-written piece by an African-American about how his trip to Africa changed his worldview; the insults and tacky comments. I did not agree with what in my opinion were romanticized notions of Africa, and I intended to say so. I scanned the piece for points of agreement to acknowledge, so I could begin commenting. However, the vitriol in the comment section from those who agreed and disagreed, whether with the post or the ensuing comments, put me off. It would not be easy to defend myself from people like sixpackpower and beautifulbetsy. Moreover, my gravatar is a photo of me my boss would recognize and my name is Timi Yeseibo.
Is anonymity on the web like mob action? Normal people abandoning good sense to loot, rape, devalue, to the beat of crazy songs sung by thousands high on hysteria like LSD? Does an IP-address unshackle responsibility from freedom?
Beyond anonymity as gasoline for cyberthuggery, in a world of six billion people how can we all agree? Someone said, if only everyone were like me. I say no. Biko, do not populate the world with more people like me—do you know how boring I am? Our differences are not to be feared, but harnessed. You stretch my thinking and make me re-examine what I believe. In the end, we may find common ground, or you remain on the right and I on the left, all with respect. Can we just learn how to agree to disagree? Must web discussions on politics, sports, entertainment, religion, in other words, life, bring out the devil in us?
Sadly, some websites promote these kinds of verbal boxing matches and just as in ancient Rome, people troop in for a good fight, to watch gladiators at work. At its worst bystanders careen into the ring and die.
Our challenge is to find the compassion for others that we want them to have for us. That is emotional correctness. – Sally Kohn1
A few days ago, I read an engaging post advocating several candidates for political office in the 2015 Nigerian elections. To broaden my knowledge, I sought out opinions in the comment section. Two brilliant minds with opposing views held my attention. As the comment thread lengthened, their commentary lost substance and devolved into name calling as if their intellect had come to a full stop. When commenter one accused commenter two of shouting in capitals, commenter two defended himself by pointing out that his magnanimity was on behalf of the visually challenged.
I laughed until I belly-fulled, then navigated to a less popular political website, where comments are permanently closed, as if to say, “Read, finish, carry your trouble and go!”
Hieroglyphic symbols may have sufficed eons ago, but since the web is predominantly text-based, our ability to decipher tone, mood, and body language is limited. Emoticons only go so far.
After trading points for a while, a friend and I deadlocked on the value of prayer. He said, “Let’s just agree to disagree.” I nodded although I thought a couple more points would push him to my side and a consensus. His hands, folded across his chest, told a different story. If he had written, let’s agree to disagree, in the comment section and put a smiley at the end, would I have stopped?
Having a quick wit and a repertoire of words at my disposal meant as my mother used to say, before you talk one, Timi has talked three, oya, go and study law, that is, winning arguments mattered more than winning hearts. Here’s something I’m learning that has lost me several arguments, but gained me friends or acquaintances and kept the discussion open longer: let the other person save face. Argue passionately for what you believe to be right—strip your “opponent” of logic, but leave his dignity intact. The converse is true, save your own face, don’t comment, even when you are right—walk away with dignity.
Despite our best efforts, we may be misunderstood because people read and process through filters. It helps to first suspend judgement and then seek to understand.
Finally, if you must insult me, if my post or comment inspires your disdain then confound me with your intelligence, charm me with savoir faire. At least do it with style.
©Timi Yeseibo 2014
1. “Sally Kohn: Let’s try emotional correctness” YouTube video, 4:25, posted by “TedTalks,” on Dec 4, 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCJTV5KaJJc
Photo credit: © Francis Otuogbai on Twitter: @frankdfreak (used with permission)
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Timi Yeseibo and livelytwist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
livelytwist 
Brilliant. We live to learn not to be right.
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Deep.
I dislike people tearing each other to shreds with e-claws. But if the argument is intellectual and fun, why not? I’d most likely learn a bit or two.
You are right too about online arguments getting decisively worse with time. Usually, the argument becomes an abusive contest and each side takes liberties to attack the person of the other.
The worst thing is when the disgusting behaviour appears in traditional, mainstream media and thinly veiled as an op-ed or editorial.
Like this one. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/nov/10/trump-the-apprentice-president-elect-reality-tv
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We say things online that we wouldn’t in person. I think that courses in learning to disagree agreeably should be taught in school from the early years.
What will you learn? Will you hear anything above the scraping of the e-claws?
Thanks for the sharing the link. I read the piece. I don’t think Donald Trump will be suing for slander. As at the time I read it, it had been shared over 400 times on social media, go figure.
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Found it. 🙂
They are so much more unreasonable arguments online, because the internet has given a way for everyone to air his/her opinion, however reasonable.
But also, arguments drive traction. And new media relies on traction to make money. So more and more you’ll see news on the internet that call for a nice, big argument, and people simply let it rip in the comments.
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Glad you did 🙂
Yeah, I think some websites encourage ‘fighting’ in the comment section. Unfortunately, some bleed after all’s said and done.
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Unfortunately for someone like me, when I read a post on cyberspace I always read comments. Mostly because, I have a thing for hearing what other people think. It’s a way to broaden ones horizon. Tsk tsk, cyber thugs are everywhere. Infact Americans may be more of cyber thugs than angry Nigerians. Everyone wants to have a voice, they hide under anonymity, and become monsters!
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As a writer and reader, I enjoy the comment section because as you say, it broadens my horizon. It’s such a pity when comments devolve to insults.
@cyber thugs, true. In general, perhaps people would weigh their words carefully without the cloak of anonymity. Makes one ponder- the probability of being caught is a deterrent to ‘crime’. Thanks.
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It is always interesting how we can be really free with our words when we use the internet anonymously. This, unfortunately, gives us false bravado and not long after, our arguments deteriorate into insults, like you mention.. I found it funny that that the person who wrote in caps said he was doing so for the visually impaired’s benefit. If this was true, why did he not start with caps right from the beginning? Interesting…..
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@anonymity and false bravado, yes. But as news reports show, anonymous people can be tracked. Ah the caps lock ‘fight’ XD . . .
We need to apply more decorum online. Surely there are some universal standards of what is acceptable? Emotional correctness?
Thanks for sharing your views.
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“Must web discussions on politics, sports, entertainment, religion, in other words, life, bring out the devil in us.” The internet was made for trouble. We came and decided it was worth giving it a makeover. Tsk tsk
On saving face: I work with a colleague of mine who is Nigerian and we got into a mild argument on whether it is normal for urinary catheters to have bloody discharges. He thinks it’s normal; how can you put a “thing” inside another person’s “thing” without getting blood, ahn ahn?
Now as a graduate nursing student, I know that this is an abnormal finding, so I sought to change his opinion that trauma to tissues in the bladder (or anywhere) is NOT normal. Na lie o, he was convinced that bloody catheters are normal. Sigh. I shrugged my shoulders and said a silent prayer for the unknown Mary Janes and John Does
It was an uncomfortable experience but a humbling one. We’re still good colleagues and we still argue…but very comfortably. And I hope he doesn’t read your blog! Lol 😀
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“It was an uncomfortable experience but a humbling one.” Hmmm. Since I’ve put my foot in my mouth too many times to count, I’m learning to leave a margin for error. Sometimes, I think it is better to win hearts than arguments. Good to know that you’re still good colleagues. Thanks for sharing an example we can relate to.
Lol@ The internet was made for trouble. Okay, in that case, I hope your colleague reads my blog! 😉
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Ahh great read. clear-cut. I wrote an article once on hate people anonymously unroll on social media. *in Patrick’s voice* Online lucidity has become desideratum.
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Ah ah, Emeka, I only asked you to comment! XD Senator Patrick 😉
Yes, sometimes we say things online under the cloak of anonymity that we wouldn’t dare otherwise. I think debate should be part of the curriculum in schools to teach people how to advance arguments and not insults for their position.
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Someone said if only everyone were like me. I say no. Biko, do not populate the world with more people like me—do you know how boring I am?”
Haha, I know I am, I just want to connect with at least one other person that’s like me too.
It’s interesting how in the past few years, I’ve come to appreciate the “varities” of people in this world.
“…where comments are permanently closed, as if to say, “Read, finish, carry your trouble and go!””
Haha. I love this point of view. I dislike when I am not able to comment on posts I really love though.
Heyyy, you’ve got gems for days in this post.
“Argue passionately for what you believe to be right—strip your “opponent” of logic, but leave his dignity intact.”
Yup, I tend to do the other most times; not commenting, then I wonder if the “opponent” is missing the opportunity to listen to some of my valid logical points. Oh well.
Notepad was very helpful in stitching together the not so disjointed comments.
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Variety is the spice of life!
@”I just want to connect with at least one other person that’s like me too.” I think, and I may be wrong, that I know where you’re coming from- someone who shares the same interests, etc. I agree, shared interests form the basis of lasting relationships. Our mutual interests brought us together on this forum.
However, I would rather connect with someone with shared interests, that I get along with, but who sees things differently than I do. He or she would take me to new frontiers and my education would be more well-rounded.
To be given the opportunity to comment or not? To comment or not comment? Tough one sometimes. I guess if you’re going to add value with your valid logical points, and it’s a ‘sane’ forum, why not eh?
Thank you Notepad! I enjoyed reading Tony’s comments 🙂
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Great post Timi. I’m reading it in bed on my phone, so I’ll have to come back to comment tomorrow. I love the part about ‘winning arguments or hearts’
🙂
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I just watched that TED Talk, and what most stood out to me was what she shared at the end. The man that doesn’t agree with her political views, nor her logic, but he respects her as a person. And I think that’s just it. Isn’t that what God even does? There are so many things that he doesn’t agree with concerning what humans are doing, but he still loves, shows mercy and grace, forgives, respects individuals, etc. I used to be so black and white, and I had very strong opinions. It’s taken me 41 years of life, but I’m glad to say that I’ve come to a point where I’ve realized there is a lot a grey. I’m not always right. And it’s ok for people to disagree with me, and for me to disagree with others.
Really great post Timi. And encouragement to remember these things and put them into practice.
🙂
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Ah strong opinions, nothing wrong with them, I guess, so long as like you say, one realizes they are not always right. Being gracious to those who disagree with you makes it easier to concede your point instead of cutting your nose to spite your face.
“And it’s ok for people to disagree with me, and for me to disagree with others.” I am also learning this as well. It relieves me of the ‘pressure’ of trying too hard to prove my point. Yes, even God gives humans free will to choose their convictions about life.
@TedTalk, I do not subscribe to her views concerning the debate she alluded to, but by listening, I was able to learn something. Now, to put it into practice 🙂
Thank you Staci!
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haha, don’t worry, I didn’t think you subscribed to her views. Me either. Yes, good point. It does really take the pressure off, doesn’t it?
Thanks Timi.
🙂
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I wonder if the simplest explanation is that civility is unnatural in a vacuum and really only exists in a social context and only then for pragmatic reasons.
Thanks for the excellent post. 🙂
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A very interesting premise. I guess we could consider online communities part of a social context. But some are unruly, and unmanaged . . .
If our aim is to learn, connect, and exchange ideas then being civil is pragmatic, is it not?
Thanks Ben, I chewed on this for a while 🙂
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Thank you for the thoughtful article. 🙂
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I sometimes feel like the Internet is like driving in cars. people are so prone to flipping people off and yelling at them from the safety of their cars- behaving in ways they wouldn’t in person. I think people who say nasty things under the guise of anonymous or some other fake name are cowardly. I enjoyed your exploration of the topic, Timi.
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Sometimes I think that these people are also badly behaved in other areas of their lives! Anonymity confers freedom, which as someone noted in a comment, can be a good way to foster genuine and robust conversation. Ah, but that freedom should not be unshackled from the responsibility to be decent.
Thanks Diahann. Have you had any of these issues on your blog?
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Once or twice. I have no problem w disagreement or discussion to my ideas or anyone else’s on my blog, even from an anonymous. But anyone who just posts insults to me or commenters or is clearly looking to antagonize doesn’t get to have a platform on my blog.
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Kudos Diahann! I think that’s what was lacking on that site, comment moderation.
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I have not run into this too much, but I am appalled when I hear people out in public, some at my work and everywhere acting like idiots. They argue without any facts to back them up. I liked the parts where you say people say mean, nasty things while hiding behind a shield, not their real name…
I wish the world would evolve, change, something in a positive way. The well written article about Africa, should never have been attacked or insulted. I am offended for this poor author, who was stabbed. I liked your knives and swords, daggers to the heart of someone who was trying to say positive things about their changed ‘worldview.’ Travel should bring enlightenment, along with readers should appreciate listening to a good travel story. Take care and try to hang in there.
P.S. I was taught to ‘debate’ which offended more than one husband. They did not understand me, while I could give ‘points’ or number reasons for my opinions. They had no ‘points’ nor ‘reasons,’ to defend their own way of thinking. I think (really) they didn’t appreciate women. Too bad, their loss.
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That’s the thing isn’t it? Have a dissenting opinion (I did on a couple of things), but present it respectably. I visit the site occasionally but don’t bother to read the comments, which is a shame because good commenting adds to the post and can engender a sense of community.
Readers here are respectful and I’m glad. I don’t write on “volatile” issues, so . . . 🙂
Once someone left a comment and called me and those who commented idiots. I responded by educating him on commenting etiquette. He had commented using a real (fake?) name, but no gravatar or web address.
@Too bad, their loss. 🙂 I guess you need a “thinker” 🙂
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I think that I have had to block or throw a few straight into ‘spam,’ Timi. Did I ever tell you about one of my commenters who called me a ‘liar?’ Definitely tried to get around this, tried to explain and she kept on riding me, irritating me, so I just put her comments into spam… Shame, since she really doesn’t know me, I am painfully and sometimes awkwardly too honest! I agreed with your last comment, ‘too bad, her loss,’ and there are a few people you wonder if their ‘lights are turned on upstairs….’ smiles!
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Responding to and moderating comments is a delicate job. Sometimes even harder than writing the post. You did what you had to do.
@and there are a few people you wonder if their ‘lights are turned on upstairs….’ XD
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Hi Timi. Great post! Both in content and style. You really got it going on! I agree, we need to learn to agree to disagree and be less disagreeable about it. I think it cowardly the way some internet trolls pile on vile insult after insult. It serves no purpose and certainly doesn’t advance the argument. I have dropped out of many groups on Facebook because of some of the boneheaded remarks and I have defriended people for making what I call hate speech. I like a spirited debate, but let’s keep it respectful and on an a high intellectual plane.
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Thanks Benn. @respectful and on an a high intellectual plane, sure. And when someone’s intellect comes to a full stop, quit. 🙂
Perhaps posting the House Rules for some of these online groups and having comment moderators enforce them might help. Depending on how large or active the group, that might be a full time job for someone . . . I’m involved in moderating comments for a couple of groups. We hide/delete comments that violate the House Rules and send a private message explaining why. For the most part, it’s helped.
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‘Despite our best efforts, we may be misunderstood because people read and process through filters. It helps to first suspend judgement and then seek to understand.’ Wise words to aspire to. But you are so right about the filters we all have, Timi. Great post.
My daughter did a medical elective in Tanzania recently, and it opened her eyes to how many filters she had. (She loved it by the way) 🙂
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I’m glad your daughter enjoyed her time in Tanzania and discovered her “filters”. Did it make life easier or more difficult?
We can process information through cultural filters, which make us perceive a slight where there is none. My British friend received an email in English from a Dutch acquaintance. She thought he was very rude. But I pointed out that whereas she tended to be verbose and employed mitigated speech in a bid to be polite, the Dutch were direct in contrast. And when they are direct in English, which isn’t their mother tongue, it can “sound” harsh.
So imagine both of them in the comment section, without voice inflection and body language, perhaps with anonymous names that don’t give an indication of country of origin 😮
👿
Yes, wise words to aspire to in an increasingly smaller yet still multicultural world.
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We really do rely on body language in communicating, don’t we?
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I read that 10% of communication is words, 90% tone of voice and body language.
I digress, but that’s part of the challenge for writers (I suppose people who leave comments are writers too 🙂 ), using words alone to set the tone and show what can’t be seen . . .
Anyway, back to this post, an insult is an insult- verbal or written. 🙂
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What a relevant topic! I wasn’t aware of the atrocious comments people leave online until a year ago when I started writing for a Pakistani news blog. I got acquainted with those nasty “trolls”. Haha. At the end I learned to not be bothered, because these people want to press our buttons, and we should NOT let them. Simple eh? Well not so simple because writers thrive on encouragement. I suppose this is something that comes in the package. The WordPress family has been amazing so far. People here have respect for one another. I can’t find that anywhere on the internet. Hope it always stays that way. Great post Timmi:)
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A news blog huh? What a place to sharpen your teeth! 🙂
Politics, religion, and sports seem to bring out the “beast” in us 😦
Yet it is in these areas, especially politics, that we need to “listen” to opposing views as none of us have a monopoly of knowledge. Perhaps we might learn something.
I have to agree, I’ve found the WordPress community to be respectful for the most part. I once read a Freshly Pressed post about the sexualization of Disney heroines or something to that effect. The comments (oh my, they were so many, I had to stop), educated me more than the post. There were many articulate points for and against, with useful links too. Nary a disrespectful word.
“Simple eh? Well not so simple because writers thrive on encouragement.”
I like the ring of honesty in this. But we learn, we develop “thick” yet still sensitive skins.
Thanks Nida.
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Well, maybe I’m just being avoidant as a blogger: I tend to write on topics that reduces tremendous conflict / polarizing opinions and conversational slew.
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@avoidant, I don’t know Jean. I mean the writer in question didn’t write about sports, politics, or religion. He wrote about how a trip to a particular country in Africa changed the way he saw life- his life. That shouldn’t generate “tremendous” conflict, should it?
But then, comments are not moderated on that website. Perhaps if they were, serious-minded people might have a robust discussion . . .
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I was nodding my head and sighing all through until I saw the picture of Wole Soyinka and the national Professor…then my spit went flying. Poor computer screen! Timi, there is God o! Lool
It feels good to be back here. I’ll post an epistle later, lol 🙂
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Lol@ our national professor 😉 And our Nobel laureate . . .
Maggielola, it’s great to have you here again. I await the epistle. I hope I won’t need a dictionary to read it 😀
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“Here’s something I’m learning that has lost me several arguments, but gained me friends or acquaintances and kept the discussion open longer: let the other person save face. Argue passionately for what you believe to be right—strip your “opponent” of logic, but leave his dignity intact.”
Beautifully written piece, Timi.
Days ago I was having a conversation with an online acquaintance, and i told him that one of his strongest suits was not thinking that to win an argument, one had to verbally kill the dignity of his opponent. It’s the same reason i cannot be bothered to visit the politics section of some forums (eg Nairaland.com) and stay far away from some entities.
Oh well, I have the good sense to share this 😀
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Uju, it’s amazing, it’s hilarious, it’s disgusting- one person will leave a comment, and someone else will reply with a personal insult, sidestepping the issue! No wonder you stay far away; me too. Of course cultural nuances may mean that someone perceives a slight where there is none (intended) . . .
We’ll do well to see our “opponents” as people like us who have aspirations, but a differing view- there is a real person behind the comment.
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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T,
one very apt lesson l learnt from my dearest granny of RIP was that you shouldn’t stoop down to the level of whoever is trying to pull u down! They can do this via temptations, provocations, insults, etc! Make the most mature points u can and then when they are turning “red”, walk off mindless of any insults following! That way, u keep raising urself while they keep sinking in their despise and sorrow!
thx for putting all this together! Have a nice week!
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Hi Marie, thanks for sharing your granny’s wise words. It reminds me these sayings- a man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent & where there’s no wood, the fire goes out.
I wish I had learned these principles earlier, but it’s never too late to learn and improve. Have a lovely week! 🙂
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99% of anonymous internet bullies would shrivel if confronted face to face.
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Lol true that. I met once and he couldn’t even hold my gaze.
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Perhaps something about sitting behind a screen, “shooting” at “invisible enemies” is empowering? We are still writing the rules of engagement . . .
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Like the post.
Some of the things people say when they think they are anonymous is sickening. In the UK people are being traced and punished when they cross over from free speech to unacceptable behaviour. I don’t know how other people feel about this, but I think at a certain level people need to know that what they are doing is unacceptable and may have consequences
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” . . . but I think at a certain level people need to know that what they are doing is unacceptable and may have consequences ”
Certainly, and especially if they cross the line into cyber bullying. We’ve had some unfortunate cases that have resulted in teenage suicides. That’s what I alluded to (in part) when I wrote, ” . . . bystanders careen into the ring and die.”
For the most part though, this post refers to verbal exchanges that devolve into demeaning insults where nobody dies, but damage is nonetheless inflicted- feelings are hurt, egos bruised, etc. Sickening, as you said.
I wish people would exercise restraint and good judgement when commenting, especially on opinions they disagree with. But perhaps their commenting is a reflection of their everyday speech . . . 😦
Thanks Steev for letting us know about the measures in place in the UK.
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Anonymity emboldens people to say whatever they want without giving any thought to the potential consequences – in a sense that makes for a no robust, no holds barred conversation.
I take the view that it shows them for what they really are – surely that’s a better outcome than everyone toeing the party line or tip toeing as though on egg shells? 🙂
I see you’ve ‘name dropped’ the Honorable – Any Benin/Edo connections?
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“Anonymity emboldens people to say whatever they want without giving any thought to the potential consequences – in a sense that makes for a no robust, no holds barred conversation.”
True, especially when genuine feedback is required. But should anonymity steal decorum? Can’t we express opinions- no holds barred – without insulting one another?
@honourable, no connections. I just enjoyed the exchange, didn’t you? 😉
Thanks for giving us another perspective and broadening the conversation.
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Funny… Was involved in a bitter disagreement lastnight. In the end, I had to say “let’s agree to disagree”, although I was spoiling for more. Figured it was best to let it be. Well said Timi.
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Conflicts are inevitable. I was talking with a friend, and we wondered if Conflict Resolution, shouldn’t be a compulsory part of the curriculum from nursery all the way to university.
“Although I was spoiling for more . . . ” I admire your self-control.
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Argumentation can get tiresome. While the Socratic ideal would have us stay stoically emotionally uninvested in our points of view, and would keep us from resorting to ad hominem attacks, the ideal is a bit, well… idealistic. Sometimes, disagreement about facts just leads to charged conflict between people.
When you agree to disagree, you promote peaceful relationships. Disagreements will always happen, but you don’t have to let them become a real problem. Instead, show others respect by allowing them to hold a different opinion than yours. Agree to disagree and you’ll find your friends can remain your friends even if they don’t think exactly like you do!
So every time you feel yourself wanting to say, “let’s agree to disagree,” take a step back and instead ask probing questions to find out exactly where the other person is coming from.
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@stay stoically emotionally uninvested in our points of view, is that possible? The ideal is a bit, well… idealistic 😀
You make excellent points that I’m learning to imbibe. Writing a blog and responding to comments here is good training ground for me.
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You made a diplomatic point:)
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😕 😮 😛 XD 😎
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Why folks degenerate from the premise of discuss to insult is still what I don’t understand, personally I present my argument or opinion to the point when am confused to accept my openent and surrender or I do it to a point and when I notice a change of tune I walk away with my dignity. nicely said Timi……..I wish all the forums on Facebook can read this post.
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Besides anonymity and distance bolstering courage on the web, I like to think that people are passionate about their beliefs (nothing wrong with that), but haven’t learnt how to disagree agreeably with opposing view points. Oh, some people are just jerks!
Yes, we should all take a refresher course on comment etiquette 🙂
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Good thoughts, Timi. Here’s what I’ve done on SLTW when comments deteriorate to mud-slinging:
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Judge Nancy! Love your courtroom 😀
“Instead of staying on point, a few comments crossed the line into character assassination, name calling, and unfair characterizations.
As the sole judge and arbiter of the comments on SLTW, it’s my role to make sure that posted comments add to the discussion at hand without causing unnecessary friction between proponents of opposing viewpoints.
Divergent viewpoints are wonderful ~ name calling and mud-slinging are NOT.”
Aah, that’s better! You know what I also appreciated? Your honesty. Admitting that you’d also hit a little below the belt; your willingness to right wrongs. Seriously, thanks for sharing. 🙂
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My pleasure. As you can see from my post, your topic today is near and dear to my heart.
We are free to disagree . . . but we don’t have to be disagreeable.
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Too many times we forget the sweetness of friendship in the heat of arguments. I have found that pride is one of the biggest challenges we have when it comes to arguments on the internet and everywhere else. We don’t wish to understand others but want to be understood and agreed with. I think seeing the argument as not being about me or my perceived opponent but about the problem we want to solve or a progress we want to achieve has helped a lawyer in equity like myself, to be better at disagreeing to agree!
@Hon Patrick, lol!
Timi, thanks for sharing!
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Pride, oh pride!
“I think seeing the argument as not being about me or my perceived opponent but about the problem we want to solve or a progress we want to achieve . . . ” True
This helps me as well: looking at myself in the mirror and mouthing, “I don’t know.” “I’m not sure.” “I think you have a point.” 🙂
@Hon Patrick, lol. The photo says so much 😉
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You had to finish with Hon. Patrick! Hahahaha!
Sensitive topic.
[Argue passionately for what you believe to be right—strip your “opponent” of logic, but leave his dignity intact. The converse is true, save your own face, don’t comment, even when you are right—walk away with dignity.]
I do that walking away a lot. Some arguments are not worth it. You know where they end: insults fired from firmly fixed opinions.
Enlightening read, Timi.
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As soon as I saw the photo, I knew I had to add it! 😀 Drives home my last point doesn’t it?
“We’re not driven only by emotions, of course—we also reason, deliberate. But reasoning comes later, works slower—and even then, it doesn’t take place in an emotional vacuum. Rather, our quick-fire emotions can set us on a course of thinking that’s highly biased, especially on topics we care a great deal about.” – Chris Mooney
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2011/03/denial-science-chris-mooney
Some people say when angry, count to 50 first. I guess when arguing in the comment box gets heated, sometimes it makes sense to walk away. It’s a good skill to learn.
Thanks Samuel.
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Well said
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Thank you! I would include a smiley, but you know, I don’t want you to take it the wrong way, lol!
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Very captivating Timi. I enjoyed this piece. Well said and well done !
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Thanks Nnenna. Responding to comments is an art and a science. I’m getting there . . .
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You can’t imagine how apt this is for me today. I’ll come back to post a more articulate comment.
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You make me laugh! This morning I committed to learning the art of communication and then I read your post. There is so much in this post I love, but a few phrases go into my journal. “(does) Winning arguments matter more than winning hearts… & suspend judgement and then seek to understand” Thank you teacher…
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Hi Kim, I’m glad I’ve found a place in your journal 🙂
We’re doing life together; I’m more student than teacher. Like you, I’m still learning the art of communication.
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Ife, lol, I can “only” imagine and I had a good laugh 😉
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