The Body Magic

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I mounted the scale and fought depression when I read the display. I had not eaten all day, how could I have gained a kilo instead of losing one? I looked at my body in the full-length mirror. I love me, I thought as I sucked in my stomach and lifted my chest. I love me not. I sighed as I exhaled and let everything hang loose. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember; perhaps it is because I am judging my body by the unrealistic pictures in the magazines.

At university, I used to wear a pair of shorts underneath my clothes, to create the illusion of wider hips and a backside worth looking at. My roommates would often threaten to hide them as payback for something I had or had not done. The threat ensured compliance because I could not afford to be seen without my backside. How things have changed. I have not only been freed from the incessant torture of washing those shorts every night in preparation for the next day, but also from the square foam pads I slipped underneath my bra straps before I wore any top including my t-shirts.

Aha, now that I am close to the big four-zero, it is as if my metabolism has ground to a halt. Even a cup of water adds a half kilo to my weight! How did I get here?

Last Christmas, I decided to make up for all the Naija Christmases I missed while living abroad. I stuffed myself as if jollof rice was going out of style. I watched my weight rising on the scale but was confident that by the end of January, I would be back to my old self after a strict exercise and diet regime.

But nothing could shift the bulge I had acquired on my stomach, backside, and hips—I ran on the treadmill, I lifted weights, I speed walked, I started eating twice a day. The fat just raised one eyebrow, barely opened an eyelid, and then went back to sleep! I began a series of non-religious fasts. After the first few times, my body betrayed me. I ran into the kitchen and ate everything in sight, all this before 11 a.m. on an appointed fast day.

It was at this critical point that I heard about the Body Magic—lose two to three dress sizes in ten minutes. Hmmm, and Michelle Obama is my mother’s younger sister! But I was desperate; my clothes were shrinking, so I requested one from my friend. Let’s call her B.

She arrived at my house with her bag of magic. I could not wait to shrink like Alice in Wonderland. After measuring, she determined my size and selected a garment from her bag. It looked too small. B laughed and assured me that it would fit with some help.

I turned the garment upside down and put in my legs then the struggle commenced. We pulled and dragged and pulled and dragged. As the garment inched higher up on my body, my flesh trembled and wobbled as though experiencing a minor earthquake. Then it flapped like a small flag in a gentle breeze. B instructed me to do a curious dance—stand on one tiptoe and then the other in quick succession to redistribute the fat allowing the garment to slide further upwards. I warily complied.

By now, I was sweating as if I was a Christmas goat being led to the slaughter even though two 1.5 HP air conditioners were on full blast. My sweat glands went into overdrive because I was sure that despite the deodorant I used, I reeked of perspiration. Embarrassed, I mumbled a self-conscious apology to B. Sweat, what sweat? B claimed she smelt nothing. I suppose this was a small price to pay in her line of business.

It was over ten minutes and we had not been able to squeeze past my hips and backside. Accomplishing that feat would be akin to reaching the peak of Mt. Everest. I needed a break. From the corner of my eye, I saw B flop into an armchair and massage her wrists. Who said making money was easy.

We resumed a short while later. Pull, drag up, tuck in, dance, and pull again. B continued to help and encourage me.

“Come on, almost there! There you go, good! Now move your body to redistribute the fat. Yes, yes, yes, one, two, three, go…pullllllll!”

At last, we crossed the final frontier. The stubborn mass of fat that had defied every diet and exercise routine known to me bowed to the power of Body Magic.
The most difficult part was over. I pulled the top with ease and slipped my arms through the straps. To hook the clips, B had me lie down. She yanked the left side then the right while instructing me to suck in my stomach, “Suck in some more, alright, that’s better.”

Hook, hook, hook, deftly she clasped the hooks. Putting on the Body Magic involved more skills than I had first thought, a coach and trainee relationship was evolving.

When she finished, I stood and felt as tight as a wound up doll. However, my posture was immediately improved because I was forced to stand straight. I had an hourglass figure with a lifted derriere. I quickly donned on my tight Ankara skirt. It glided past my hips. The most noticeable improvement was my stomach. However, I had not dropped two to three dress sizes.

What was I expecting? Magic? Yes! Wasn’t that why they called it the Body Magic? B read the disappointment on my face and started explaining, but all I could think about was an elephant trying to squeeze into a corset meant for a hippo. I lay down like a zombie and sucked in my stomach while B unhooked me. The rest was easy. As I pulled off the Body Magic, my fatty portions popped free with pops of relief.

These days I am back to the good old-fashioned way—a consistent exercise programme, a healthy diet with lots of water, and no yo-yo dieting. I climbed the scales today—I love me, I love me not. Scenes from the Body Magic ordeal crawled across my mind and I laughed. What won’t I attempt to acquire the perfect figure? On second thoughts, I love me— bulging stomach, fatty hips, rounded buttocks, and all! I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

© Timi Yeseibo 2013

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24 thoughts on “The Body Magic

  1. Never fear your forties! I gained forty pounds and the Dr. asked me if I wanted to go on anti-cholesterol meds since my ‘bad cholesterol’ was 260. I asked how much time it would be advised to lose twenty lbs. and he suggested a year. Again, after a year, I lost the last twenty lbs. If you saw me during my 40’s, during my hot flashes and menopausal time, you would not recognize me! I am more what I was in my 20’s. My teacher asst. and I went on a veggies and meat diet, but allowed ourselves milk and graham crackers, along with peanut butter! We made up our own water bottle and canned food exercise program… you will be fine, give it time and your metabolism will be all changed shortly! Smiles and a hug, Robin

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    1. @”I gained forty pounds.” Timi weeps & buries head under pillow! Is that what I have to look forward to? Thanks Robin for the “encouragement” 🙂 I guess, I’ll buy the Body Magic now!

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    2. This is so funny. ….reading your write up took me down memory lane.
      A few years back, I was having a discussion with a friend in a room—with a few of our other friends around -about ordering for a body magic. One of our friends in the room got mad at us and said that we were too young to use body magic. She convinced us that the only way out in shedding off fat is to eat healthy. Sometimes you need honest friends to show you love to be able to attain your set goal. With her constant words of encouragement, I made up my mind to start eating healthy and ever since then, my dress size dropped from 16 to 10/12…

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  2. Body Magic!! I tried that 2 christmases ago (christmas always does it for us), and it did NOTHING!!. The pain was not worth the gain. Stick to your healthy eating and plenty of water. A 30 minute daily jog will also help. Don’t think about weight loss. Think about healthy living. The fat demon hears weight loss and goes all out to stop us. Snooker it ladies, and stick to healthy living.

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  3. I thought it is season of growth and enlarging our territory….don’t limit yourself to body magic size!
    While reality is staring at you in the mirror, rejoice in Him who made you beautifully and wonderfully (minus fat deposits), thank Him for the nourishing food we have, while some people starving to death on this earth.
    Nevertheless, let us get rid of excess baggage (in flesh and spirit) and please don’t give Him more work to renovate our heavenly mansion to fit our enlarging size!

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  4. Oh Timi, I needed this to crack me up. I rolled with laughter tears POURING down my face. This was sooooo hilarious. The joys of woman-hood. I am currently waging serious war with my tummy after unsuccessful use of the externals. Thanks for sharing. Wow!!!

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    1. Patience, I still laugh every time I read it and I’ve read it a lot, so I’m with you on this one. I pray that you will win your current war- whatever the outcome, you are fearfully and wonderfully made 🙂

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  5. Hi there, I tried body magic once and it was hell on earth.I couldn’t breathe,relax or do anything.Now i have learnt to work on my best body assets (believe me i do have quiet a number of them.*smile* and it seems to work 4 me. Lovely writeup,by d way…

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  6. Nice one Timi. A comedian once commented that women don’t talk when they wear Body Magic. They prefer that you send texts. Lol. He also said God is a miracle worker not a magician!

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  7. Fabulous darling, this had me in stitches

    And yes I feel you, tried to get into one of those at some point and it was indeed magic as I started seeing stars…….

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