Facebook Fraud

Laurita FB

Laurita Laurita, oh Laurita Laurita! Your name has a sing-song and unreal quality to it. I do not know how you found me and why you singled me out. Facebook has made the world smaller, but there are around one billion people in the world’s third-largest country. Ah yes, we have one mutual friend. What you both have in common still baffles me.  

I am an editor second, and a nice person first, which is why I refrained from deleting your early morning ungrammatical intrusion into my inbox. I checked your wall and saw that your last and only status update before you changed your profile picture was in Russian. You recently changed your Facebook language to English (US), which may explain why you sound as if you used Google Translate, and then copy and paste.

I am fine, thank you for asking and your marital status is of no consequence to me. So you think Facebook is too small to contain the breadth of a friendship with you. No wonder you barely have anything on your wall since you joined Facebook in October 2012. You prefer to catch your victims friends by email.

Your profile picture is beautiful. Your eyes look photoshopped, but what does that matter when your skin looks like smooth caramel latte. Your hair; was that not how Naomi Campbell styled hers, the beautiful centre-part look that I tried in vain to achieve during my teenage years? But I am neither a voyeur nor model scout so I do not want more photos of you.

There is something you should know about me.  I am not as foolish as you suppose I am. Anybody whose name reminds me of Chivita Chivita must have a big head and a small brain. I have therefore written this cease and desist order, Прекратить и порядка, to you.

Laurita oh Laurita

Whether man or woman, I do not know

Whether girl or boy, I do not care

There are many fishes in the sea

Waiting to swallow your bait

But I am not one of them

Laurita oh Laurita

Whether Nigerian 419, it is hard to tell

Whether Russian 419, it is hard to sell

There are many fishes in the sea

Waiting to swallow your bait

But I am not one of them

Laurita oh Laurita

Whether Yahoo Yahoo, na you know

Whether Facebook fraud, na today?

There are many fishes in the sea

Waiting to swallow your bait

But I am not one of them

Laurita oh Laurita

Whether Nigerian or Caucasian, long throat no get colour

Whether Scandinavian or Asian, greed sabi follow follow

There are many fishes in the sea

Waiting to swallow your bait

But I am not one of them

I reject it; I will not be one of them

Laurita oh Laurita

May Facebook delete your account

May our mutual friend wise up and “unfriend” you

May you shudder in apprehension whenever you see my name

May remorse overtake you like a Nigerian politician who did not loot enough before the end of his second term

 

In this vast global village

Let me not be a victim of identity thief

Let someone not steal my profile picture

And call himself Bournvita Bournvita

 

 

Okay can somebody tell me what these Facebook scammers want?

 

 

©Timi Yeseibo 2013

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Timi Yeseibo and livelytwist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Image credit: ©Timi Yeseibo 2013

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Facebook Fraud

  1. Ah Jesu! I don’t know what I was looking for in your archives when I found this. At first, I was going to carry out this operation in stealth mode when Laurita Laurita forced me out of my hiding place.

    And why does she want to send you pictures? Ewww!

    Like

  2. Hahaha..you’ll be the death of me yet…too funny…
    Hidden lessons in a hilarious,thought provoking poem…
    And your sarcasm? Out of this world walahi….lol..see transferred beef from high school days o…
    .those prayers abi curses were also hilarious.

    P.s ,Did I mention your replies are hugely refreshing?…i’m loving ’em…and yes i’m crushing away by the minute…
    Cheers!

    Like

    1. Ha ha, after posting this, I didn’t get any more unsolicited inbox messages until recently… Laurita’s sisters want to continue where she left off! I’ve reported them to FB as spam.

      @replies… your comments do the trick 🙂

      Like

  3. I absolutely love the poem, Laurita Laurita, Mrs Nwosuagwu would be proud of you 🙂
    What the enemy intended for evil, a good poem has come out of 🙂

    Like

  4. The new reality of the cyber world…an uncle of mine fell for people like Lauritta, next thing he was told she had some money that she wanted to transfer, because her rich dad was dead. Maybe he was asked to pay the fees, he may have confessed to his priest but not to me.

    Like

    1. Ifeanyi, can you blame him? If his Laurita was anything like my Laurita Laurita, her beauty may have overpowered his common sense and reason… a lesson for us all. I’m also concerned about the scammers stealing other people’s pictures and using them. I used Google Translate to interprete Laurita Laurita’s Russian status update & it appears ‘she’ is a man!

      Like

  5. Timi I have so enjoyed this post! Laurita Laurita!!! The new Facebook fraud. I also have received invites from funny names like Sheila Amadi-Dangoye!!! They just would stop at nothing but yes we wouldn’t get caught up in their scam.

    Like

  6. I really liked reading this. The lengths that scammers will go to is amazing. I get daily spam emails sent and the grammar is terrible. You would think they would learn. Smh.

    Like

    1. Thank you Naijabrit88. I posted this on my Facebook Timeline, and two friends said they were also approached by this die-hard Laurita Laurita! I guess the strategy is to send out as many messages as possible in the hopes that one person would fall!

      Like

The conversation never stops, please join . . .

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s