Six is Just a Number

six is just a number

“Six?”

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Oh my God, six!”

“I . . . I—”

“So six men have entered your pants! What kind of girl are you?”

“What do you mean? I don’t sleep around . . . I was in a relationship with all of them—”

“See the mouth you use to say ‘I don’t sleep around?’ What do you call f**king six guys? Ehn?”

“Hmmm.”

“You are quiet now abi? Answer me?”

“Look, I told you I didn’t want us to divulge this kind of information about our past—”

“So, you wanted to pretend I was the second ehn?”

“This is ridiculous! You knew I wasn’t a virgin when you married me?”

“Six? Haba six?”

“Stop shaking your head and treating me like a slut. What about you?”

“I’m a man o! You hear me I’m a man!”

“What about your younger sister?”

“Don’t you dare bring my sister into this discussion! We’re talking about you!”

“Double standards . . .”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. Where are you going?”

“I’m coming.”

***

Oya start writing.”

“What?”

“The names of the guys!”

“You can’t be serious! No way!”

“Ha! I’ve never been more serious. I need to understand what I got myself into.”

“You must be joking!”

“I’m not.”

“Where’s your list?”

“Here. I’ve written mine.”

“Hisssss! Wonders will never end. I’m not interested!”

“Okay, It’s on the table. Any time you’re interested, you can look. I’m waiting.”

“I’m going to bed jo. I can’t stand your childishness anymore.”

“Nobody will sleep in this house until you write the list!”

“Is that a threat?”

“I didn’t go to law school, you can call it what you want.”

“And if I don’t? Are you going to beat it out of me?”

“I have never laid hands on a woman, and I will not start today. But you will pack your bags and go to your parent’s house tonight.”

“Hissss!”

***

“What’s all that noise? What do you think you are doing?”

“Helping you pack.”

“What?”

“You may want to consider changing from your nightie. I will soon call a cab.”

“You are crazy! Put my things back!”

“No. I will call your dad and tell him to expect you.”

“What demon has possessed you? What’s wrong with you?”

“Write.”

“Sit down, ehn. Let’s talk about this.”

“I don’t have anything left to say.”

“Sweetheart, have I ever been unfaithful to you? Have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? Haaa . . . Say something . . .”

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“Sweetheart—”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Baby, what’s really wrong? I love you. You’re the only man for me. I love you.”

***

“The cab is downstairs.”

“Seriously, you called a cab? Did you call my dad?”

“Not yet, but I will.”

“Hmmm. Tell the cab to go.”

“No. You go.”

“Six is just a number . . .”

“I disagree.”

“Where’s the paper? Okay, give me the pen.”

***

“Before I give you this paper, let me just say something. Don’t do this to us; things will never be the same between us after this . . .”

“Kola Shonekan? Number three, which Kola Shonekan?”

“He’s a lawyer I went out with when I was in law school—”

“Where does he live?”

“I don’t know; he used to live in Lekki.”

“He has an MBA from Wharton?”

“How did you know?”

“Jesus! You banged my boss!”

“Kola is your boss? He works for Accenture—”

“He’s my boss’s boss boss. He’s the head of legal!”

“It was a long time ago. We were almost engaged—”

“Which Kassim is this?”

“Isn’t his surname there?”

“Rufai’s younger brother—”

“You know Rufai?”

“How could you? That’s cradle snatching! He’s a small boy!”

“I’m tired of this your interrogation. You wanted list, I gave you list! I’m going to bed!”

“Kassim! Kai, I’m finished!”

***

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To the guest room, so I can have some peace.”

“Kassim . . . Kassim that we used to send to buy Small Stout for us . . .”

“Get out! Leave me in peace! Do you hear me? I said, ‘Leave me in peace!’”

“How could you? Okay, just answer me, how could you?”

“He was nineteen, I was twenty-three; we were in love. Since when has that become a crime?”

“I’m disappointed in you!”

“Are you done now? Can I get some sleep now?”

“Yes. I leave you to your conscience.”

***

“What now? What time is it?”

“Wake up, wake up!”

“It’s not yet morning?”

“It’s 4:30. I thought you said there were six?”

“You’ve started again?”

“There are only five names?”

“The sixth one doesn’t count.”

“It does to me.”

“Well since you already have my sexual map . . . His name was Richard Morgan.”

“A white guy?”

“Yes?”

“So, this is what you went to London to do in the name of school? You were banging white guys enh?”

“I’ve had enough of your insults! For your information, he was my classmate. I was studying at his place. He made a move. I knew if I didn’t give in he’d rape me, so—”

“But what were you doing at his place so late?”

“You don’t get it do you? I was at his place in the morning! Anyway, you don’t need to worry about him being your boss’s boss boss boss! He’s dead!”

“Dead?”

“Yes! Complications of HIV, last year.”

“AIDS? My God! Oh my God! I’m finished!”

©Timi Yeseibo 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Timi Yeseibo and livelytwist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Image credit: curtain vector: zcool.com.cn

font: Scriptina by Apostrophe: http://pedroreina.net/apostrophiclab/0158-Scriptina/scriptina.html

font: Christopher Hand by El Stinger: http://www.dafont.com/christopherhand.font

design: ©Timi Yeseibo 2014

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73 thoughts on “Six is Just a Number

  1. Ah… I could not stop laughing. “The Body Count Conundrum” XD XD XD

    To ask or not to ask. To tell or not to tell…

    I suppose I should start reading from the beginning of your blog, there’s quite a bit that I haven’t seen before.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LOL!

    Ok, the first couple of times I read this a week or more ago I was pissed off, I was laughing, I was conflicted. I just didn’t know what to say to the whole thing. I was too angry and too tickled too.

    There’s that everlasting debate about whether or not to share our past with our chosen spouses or how much of it to share. There are those who say your past is your business and those who say that the past says a lot about the future. Then there are those who say that we all have a past and no one has a right to judge another for where they have been.

    I think we should all find those who agree with our way of seeing such things and marry them and save ourselves a lot of trouble…except people are forever changing in little things like how important the past is to them so it’s still risky to marry people who agree with your perspective on the issue today.

    As for objective right/wrong in the matter, I think we need to put the guilt, shame and fear of rejection aside and consider carefully how easily we should trust anyone with anything. Before we trust people with a job in a company we care about, we want to make sure that they can do it, so we run tests, we ask questions, we snoop about their professional past so that we are sure that they can and will do the job and not screw things up once they get in. Yes, people with impeccable pasts still somehow “mysteriously” screw things up sometimes but we know the overwhelming success the business world enjoys because it is so careful, do we not? When people with doubtful pasts are hired, we know that it is because something suggests that they learned good lessons from their experience.

    If we do that with work, how much more with marriage? Marriage is a relationship where someone practically holds all your cards, your vitals, your life in the palm of your hands. Why would you want to trust them that completely without first making sure that they can handle that trust?

    Like

    1. You’ve made valid points in my view. Your last question is one we should think about while remembering something you said earlier, “…except people are forever changing in little things like how important the past is to them so it’s still risky to marry people who agree with your perspective on the issue today.”

      Thanks for sharing.

      Like

  3. “Lol, one way to put problems in perspective, is by inventing bigger problems”

    This was in your comment to someone else below, but this IS truly the underlying theme at the heart of your “twist” ending and true story or not – – with your prose style, you should be writing Flash Fiction! And getting paid. Brilliance!

    Like

    1. Ha, ha. Sometimes silly situations require silly resolutions 😉

      I should get paid, right? I like flash fiction & short stories; I like the challenge that conveying meaning in as little words as possible poses. Thank you for your kind words Stephanie. You make writing this stuff worth the effort 🙂

      Like

  4. Hmmm….several cats in the bag for this story…but really do women get to that number? I like thinking of them as angels with round things.
    Your dialogue sure did the trick for this story. Wole Soyinka’s dialogue isn’t half as good and this isn’t flattery.

    Like

  5. I watched the silly movie with a very unexpectedly profound message, “What’s Your Number?”
    I think that it is not necessary to share the details or the number. I guess that is how I have made it without any guilty feelings! I have to admit, my number is closer to ten… Take it easy, enjoy your Valentines’ Day and weekend, soon! smiles and a hug, Robin

    Like

    1. FGS, this can blow out of proportion even for those who’ve been married for a while. If you don’t tell, and your partner finds out . . . dicey. I say, better to trash it out before you say I do o!

      Welcome, I’m really happy you’re here!

      Like

  6. Hahahaha…I don die!

    Hmmm…I so love the progression. The dialogue was so realistic and so well crafted you didn’t even need dialogue tags!

    Some things are better left where they belong–the past. But the irony, sometimes, is that leaving them in the past can affect the future you so want to safeguard in the first place.

    Like

  7. I wrote about “What’s Your Number?” and definitely think you are doing just fine, my dear! I have a little bigger number but still glad to be under ten! Smiles for that!

    Anyway, I just wrote a post where I nominated you for The Sunshine Award! I hope you will accept your nomination! I broke a little rule or two, bent a few, too! You are definitely invited to my Picnic! What will you bring? Take care, Robin

    Like

        1. Ha ha ha, at least let me start in the comments section!
          You love comments like Robin’s; I love the comments of all the educated guys on this post. in real life, some brothers have ‘issues’ with the numbers 🙂

          Like

  8. Was about shrieking, “The woman no try at all” but then, whatever happened to the ‘knotty’ man talking all those details over with her prior to tying the knot and deciding if he can live with them?

    HIV. LOL. I am nearly certain the finicky husband will go for a test before bothering about what the wife’s status is.

    Nice one with the format – shorter to read but no less riveting.

    Like

    1. Bunmi true, and to me, it shows that pre-marital counselling is important. A counsellor can help two starry-eyed people confront & navigate the issues they may likely face & have not even thought about, before they tie the knot.

      @HIV, I think so too 🙂

      @format, thanks. This post, at over 900 words is longer than the others, which are about 600 – 700 words, but you tend to reader quicker, especially if the dialogue captures your attention.

      Like

  9. This is a very funny recount and vivid portrait of African men.
    We read “Tess of The D’Urbervilles” back in college and were exposed to the double standard in our community. Too bad? But that’s the way we find our [African] society.
    Nice one with the Display picture and the dialogue.

    Like

    1. @double standards… they exist on different levels… sometimes we need to challenge our prejudices. I hope that as we laugh, we also think about or discuss how ridiculous digging into someone’s sexual past is or what benefits accrue when we do 🙂

      Thanks Charles @picture & dialogue.

      Like

  10. OMG I didn’t see the HIV/AIDS coming! LOOOOOOL @sexual map, cradle snatching and the likes! Welcome to Nollywood, livelytwist! You didn’t write “watch out for part two.” Why? 🙂

    Like

  11. Very interesting Timi, Men will always reason like men, imagining that there wives were all virgins…and they themselves saints????

    Like

  12. Hmmm. That husband belongs with an ex girlfriend of mine. They are a match made in hell! I broke up with her 17 years ago and I am still scarred by her jealous obsessions. Hahaha.

    I liked how you told the entire story with dialog. I find it tiresome having to explain things sometimes.

    Like

    1. Ha ha, thank goodness you were saved from hell 🙂

      Dialogue only, a first for me. I’m glad you liked it. I did too. I think it was effective here. I’ll have to work on getting better.

      Like

  13. Looool. This gave me a good laugh! Everyone around me kept wondering.
    Secrets are just the worst things ever, they always come to light and mess things up. That’s why I’m trying not to add to the few I already have *sigh
    But the man’s wahala is too much sef. Lol.
    Keep writing. 🙂

    Like

  14. This is really funny. I hope the lady is joking o… By the way, is it like the guy just suddenly woke up to the reality that his wife had sex prior to their marriage? Where was he when Kassim was dating her? What was he doing when she was studying abroad? Very funny. Thanks Timi.

    Like

    1. @joking, I hope so too! Although Richard Morgan could’ve contracted HIV after…
      @Kassim & studying abroad… hmmm, he was probably dating other girls, while hoping that his future wife was reserving herself for him… 🙂

      Like

  15. OMG! From frying pan to fire…….the woman wasn’t smart atal, considering the kinda husband she’s got. lol, but what i didn’t get was what made him begin in that line of questioning, it kept me wondering wat must have started it. it was beautiful and amusing,..I want more ooh Aunty Timi. Great job

    Like

    1. Thanks. Lol! @smart… hmmm, maybe she was… in the end… talking about HIV, may make him focus on other pressing issues 🙂

      I started the story mid-way without setting context (after writing about 900 words of dialogue, I didn’t want to make the story longer). I hoped that their exchange after the first few lines would set some context. Oh oh, It seems I didn’t do a very good job! Well, fill in the blanks, make up your own 🙂

      @more, aiight, I hear…

      Like

  16. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    The ending is going to give the man a heart attack!!! Timi!!! ure talented o, see the way the conversation kept playing between the two individuals and the flow of the dialogue was filled with humour! come and write prose for me nauuu..loool.
    Hilarious!!

    kisses

    Like

    1. Ha ha! I wondered if I would be able to capture context & mood, and create pace & flow without exposition. I wondered if I would be able to hold readers’ interest using dialogue only. So you have made my day with your comment 🙂

      Aw, I would love to even write prose for myself… boy, I am swamped! Only God knows how I manage to write these posts weekly. 🙂 Hugs & kisses!

      Like

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