After Sorry, What Next?

sorry-construction

 

“Busyness is a myth. It’s a weapon that people who no longer love each other use against each other.”

“My schedule has been crazy—”

“Babes, I’m busy too, but I create time—”

“But I’ve been really busy you can ask—”

“Ok. Fine. The question is, ‘Do you still love me?’”

“Hmmm. That’s really not the point . . .”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s just that I cannot cross that line . . . Like when I was young and I had this dream . . . like I was going on an adventure. My friends and I would be running through a meadow. The grass was warm underneath my bare feet but the sun was never too hot . . .strange . . . but anyway, some kids would stop to pick wild flowers, others to rest, but I was always excited and focused on getting to . . . anyway, I would come to a stream that I could not cross because I could not swim. The other children would jump in and call out to me to follow suit, saying the stream was not deep. I woke up at the edge of the stream . . . every time!”

“You’ve never told me about that dream. It’s interesting.”

“I cannot just forget that you . . . that—”

“I’m not asking you to suddenly develop amnesia, but our memories should serve us not hinder us. Babes, haven’t you forgiven me?”

“Of course, I have. It’s just that—”

“Look, I don’t even think that we really really forget, but I think we can remember without the sting of pain . . . When my brother died—”

“Ah ah, are you trying to compare your brother’s death with—”

“No, I was just trying to illustrate . . . Never mind . . .”

“Well I don’t know. I’m not there yet.”

“Babes, it’s been nine months. Nine months with the sword of Damocles hanging of over my head—”

“You betrayed me!”

“I did. I am sorry.”

“I know and I just need time. I don’t think it’s fair for you to rush me. You hurt me deeply.”

“I’m so sorry, babes. I’ve done all you asked of me to make us work. I’ve done all I know to do.”

“Yes I know and now I’m asking you for time.”

“Do you still love me? Look at me . . . Do you?”

“You hurt me.”

“Babes, you don’t have to allow the picture of what I did blind you to all the good I did in the past and all the good I’m doing now—”

“That’s the problem you always prescribe how I should act! It’s not your prerogative, it’s mine!”

“I’m sorry. I just miss you so much.”

“Well, I hope you can understand. I just need time. Just give me time.”

“Can I hold you? Come here . . . sit . . . just relax . . . Babes, I’m not doing anything, I just want to hold you . . . that’s better . . . relax. I want to share a poem with you.”

“Sure. Whatever. You know I don’t do poetry.”

“It’s a short one, don’t worry.

And still, after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe Me.’
Look what happens with
A love like that
It lights the Whole Sky
.

Well? . . . well . . . what do you think?”

“Hmmmm. The dream . . . hmmmm. I never made the connection. Maybe that’s the reason I never learnt how to swim.”

 

 

© Timi Yeseibo 2017

 

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45 thoughts on “After Sorry, What Next?

  1. I don’t know and I am not trying to brag. I forgive so easily which may be due to the fact that I expect human being to mess up all the time and sadly I am taken advantage of in that.
    But then hurts is too heavy a baggage to carry around without letting go. I think put the offended in a position of giving his/her power to the offen to determine how to act or react and that’s too much and valuable a power to give

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Timi,

    This piece reminds me of a conversation that I had recently, regarding forgiveness after infidelity. The sort of infidelity that inflicts a raw sort of shame upon the one who was cheated on. I wondered if it was actually possible.

    I suppose resentment would creep in especially if they feel entitled to forgiveness. When they simply expect it to be delivered to them like a present.

    Forgiving would be easier than forgetting, but if one still remembers, is all truly forgiven? 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thoughtful observations, Nedu. Thanks.

      Forgiveness after that kind of infidelity can’t be easy, but it’s possible. Reconciliation, which is something else, may not be desirable.

      ” …if one still remembers, is all truly forgiven?” Hmmmm. I think that forgiving and forgetting doesn’t mean that you get amnesia but that the pain doesn’t consume you …

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, that seems to be what one party is saying to the other, albeit in a passive way.

      P.s. the longer I live and the more I realize how much forgiveness I’ve received, the more I know I must extend that same grace.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. @ priorities, true. The parties in the dialogue can know where they stand with each other.

      I agree that forgiving and forgetting aren’t easy. But do we make it harder than it needs to be because we haven’t properly understood the concepts?

      Like

  3. Another question is: “how long should one wait for forgiveness to be given.”
    Yes, you have hurt someone and you have apologised, how long do you have to walk on egg shells and when is it okay to stop guilty not minding that the offended hasn’t forgiven you?
    Do you put your life on hold for how long?? What if you are never forgiven? When is it okay to forgive oneself?

    ‘Cos from the story, I think the offender had really tried to make up for the unsaid offences. Imo, it was time to move on

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I hear you and I found myself asking the questions you asked.

      When you’re in a relationship with someone you love, having the sword of Damocles hanging over your head isn’t funny.

      Sometimes when we’re offended, we let the offence blind us to everything else, including putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes …

      Thanks.

      Liked by 4 people

  4. And still, after all this time,
    The sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe Me.’
    Look what happens with
    A love like that
    It lights the Whole Sky .

    Hmmmm.. I wonder if the sun too doesn’t owe anyone too, At least it hangs somewhere,,,

    Well done Ma’am!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love the first line… About busyness.

    Dunno why I put the offender as a female in my head.

    Sometimes forgetting sounds like a myth. When I get to the point it doesn’t sting as much anymore I feel like I’ve found the right entrance into the forgetting maze.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. “When I get to the point it doesn’t sting as much anymore I feel like I’ve found the right entrance into the forgetting maze,” I hear you.

      I heard someone say that we don’t forget as if we develop amnesia. The idea of forgetting is twofold, we no longer relate with the ‘offender’ from the place of hurt and the memory of the offence dims… we can repeat the story of the offence as a fact, no ill will towards the offender; no pain on our parts.

      I’ve been busy is such a lame excuse 🙂 Glad you liked the line.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This is one explosive post……………wow……………………so much there, so many types of failures to love……………….sometimes it’s a mistake, but sometimes it’s a deep need that the other person cannot meet and us recognizing that they may not be able to change. That’s where grace comes in….the grace to outgrow a need, so we can love instead. And with betrayal how do we trust again without feeling used? And betrayal doesn’t have to be physical, it can be a mental or emotional unmet need and if we don’t have the courage to deal with our own mental betrayals, how can we grow in loving? I believe any commitment relationship has to go through disillusionment….our prince or princess is just another limited human being with gifts and flaws. We have to face whether we can live with their particular flaws……because if we trade them in, the new person will still be flawed and limited. And to accept that, we have to face our own limits and flaws. In any long marriage it seems the original selfish attractions have disappeared, and we have learned to love rather than need or want.
    Great post!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Many golden nuggets here Eileen, thanks.

      The F twins (forgiving & forgetting), add longevity to relationships.
      How true that to accept the flaws of others we have to face our own.
      Someone put it this way: we are all equally in need of grace.

      Like

  7. In your comment to Marie, you say: “My question is: how long does it take to get over a suffered wrong?”

    It depends on the stories that WE assign to the narrative.

    When we speak in terms of “betrayal” . . . it takes longer than when we accept and acknowledge that human beings make “mistakes” that they would “re-do differently” if they could.

    It depends on whether there is an apology . . . and on the level of TRUST that we have in the sincerity of that apology.

    Bottom line: we are the only experts on OUR life. It is our prerogative to decide what is right for us in this moment ~> to offer a 2nd chance or to walk away.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Nancy for sharing your insight, which deepens the conversation.

      I think that it would be good if the offended party in this case could decide ‘quickly’: offer a second chance or walk away. Nine months seems like a long time to decide… almost as if you want the other party to decide (for you)…

      Liked by 2 people

  8. It took me close to a year to forgive completely and forget. Maybe because I hadn’t received an apology and had to go through it imagining the offender was having the time of his life unlike this gracious man reading poems to the woman after his heart. Memories make it hard to forget and half the time, its over thinking and overremembering things that force us to forgive all over again. And oh, I really like the first line. Busyness is a myth really. Everyone has time for things they prioritize

    Liked by 5 people

    1. This made me laugh: unlike this gracious man reading poems to the woman after his heart. 🙂

      I’m glad you were finally able to forgive and forget as you’re better off for it. Yes, memories pop when you least expect them or sometimes we are the ones who can never seem to stop visiting memory lane 🙂

      I think we all need a course on the art (and science) of forgiving and forgetting. It’s inevitable, we will hurt people and they will hurt us.

      @prioritize, yes. Depending on the circumstances, when close friends tell me they’ve been too busy to reach out to me, I know my place in their lives.

      Thanks Lizzy for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Give me time to think Timi. It depends on the wrong, who wronged you, how you feel about the person, how you feel about you, how you feel society will take your forgiving or not forgiving, what are other stakes involved, nature of the wrong, etc etc

        Liked by 3 people

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