Open Letter to Akpos

Akpos does it again

Dear Akpos,

You do not know me. I am a Nigerian living in the diaspora. I know you unlike my friend who continues to speak funéh after we have left the office. Even Nigerians in Antarctica have heard of you, so great is your renown like Britain’s legendary Mr. Bean. As you yab Nigerians living abroad temper your jokes with mercy because after six months in oyinbo land, we forget that we went to Burukutu Primary School and Agbaridion Secondary School—the winter makes us talk through our noses and freezes brain function.

Since 2012 when I started reading your jokes on BBM and Facebook and Twitter, I have become more convinced that no condition is permanent. The way that you have metamorphosed and become as entrenched in our national consciousness as surely as Nollywood is synonymous to Nigeria is “amazing”. As you increase, may all those elements that want to take us down as a nation decrease!

Talking about BlackBerry, every day, I receive several Akpos jokes on BBM. The coloured text informs me that it is a yet another viral broadcast message. I know that a response beyond LOL is oversabi; however, I cannot restrain myself. I punch my screen to reply and let the sender know that I was the one who sent him the joke first; after all, I am not a goat regurgitating cud!

Akpos, I take God beg you, stop “doing it again and again” because:

One Akpos a day keeps the doctor away

Two Akpos a day chases the blues away

Three Akpos a day causes temporary amnesia

Four Akpos a day is like mosquito bite, sweet to scratch until you bleed

Five Akpos a day is like eating dodo every day; e no go tey before you shout, “Ekaette, na only plantain dey house?”

In spite of this, I want to thank you for the great work you are doing in Nigeria. These days, it seems as if you are the only one working hard to make us forget our problems. Can you imagine that Nigeria was ranked 20th saddest country in the world on the 2013 Legatum Prosperity Index? Dem dey craze? Even if oil reserves finish, we go laugh. Make dem flare gas troway, we go still laugh. Akpos, don’t mind them jare. If they had met you, we would not have had such a low ranking.

I still do not know who you are Akpos. Everywhere I turn, I see another Akpos, so tey I have headache that only Paracetamol from India can cure. On Facebook, I found: Original Akpos, Akpos The Comedian, Akpos, Akpos (The Comedian), and Akpos Jokes. Space will not allow me list the number of Akposes I found on Twitter and the spin-offs from your vast business empire: Akpos apps for BlackBerry, Akpos android apps on Google Play, Akpos jokes from the Ovi store, and so on.

This proliferation of your brand reminds me of when my mother started Pure Water business. Before we could finish tying all the cellophane bags of our Pure Water, three of our neighbours had sunk their own boreholes and started calling out on the street, “Buy Pure Water, original Pure Water!” Akpos, your enemies shall never succeed! We are counting the days till you go hammer and your Hummer go land.

I will stop here before your eye begin close like newborn pickin. By now you for don release another five hundred jokes.

BTBY               (be the best you)

LLNP               (long life & prosperity)

OHGSL            (Our Hummer go soon land)

BNFKU           (Boko Haram no fit kidnap us)

PIND               (peace in Niger Delta)

PFE                  (pray for EFCC)

LKH                 (love, kisses & hugs)

TGBTG,          (to God be the glory)

Timi

So what do you think? Does Akpos symbolise something deeper about our national psyche—perhaps a variant of the freedom songs sung by oppressed people through the centuries? Or is Akpos a platform to show that Naija’s got talent, comic relief, pure and simple?

©Timi Yeseibo 2013

Image Credits:

Cartoon by Mike Asuquo: http://asukwo.blogspot.com

Design: ©Timi Yeseibo 2013

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Timi Yeseibo and livelytwist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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29 thoughts on “Open Letter to Akpos

    1. Lol, his or mine? XD

      Since I wrote this post a few years ago, I no longer get as many Akpos jokes. However the Nigerian capacity to make jest of every situation has not waned. The medium is more sophisticated as are some of the jokes.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Akpos….LWKMD….laugh wan kill me die. Imagine! Anyway, some years ago, i thought some people said we’re the happiest in the world. Now, it’s 20th saddest. Suffering and smiling doesn’t last long, does it? LoL.

    Like

  2. Hehehe…some of the abbreviations are unlike anything I have ever come across. I am with Sharon on Boko Haram No Fit Kidnap Us. Lol!

    To me, Akpos represents many things: the intelligence and resourcefulness of Nigerians and their love for entertainment. The last one is deeply ingrained in us and is the reason why gossip and sensational news are much loved in these parts.

    Nice one!

    Like

  3. Lord have mercy! There is … I mean, There are Akpos apps? What planet have I been living on? Lol! Oh, and I loved the abbreviations, especially BHNFKU … Amen o! *still laughing*

    From the jokes, I think Akpos represents the indomitable spirit of the Nigerian … and our predisposition to find the humor in everything.

    2015: Akpos for President!

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    1. I know Oluwadunni. Everyone now knows not to send me Akpos jokes- a case of too much of a funny thing. The occasional joke is like you said, comic relief. But I think the way it’s being bastardized hints at something deeper, what I was using the Pure Water analogy to depict and then some…

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  4. Timi, for me, Akpos just symbolises the typical Nigerian. The hopeful Nigerian… The Nigerian that never gives up. Life must continue if you have the opportunity to stand on your two feet. The jokes, funny stories serves as lubricants to lubricate all the joints in the “nigerian’s life”. I mean all the daily troubles, daily struggles. I imagine if we in d diaspora enjoy Akpos jokes , in some cases articles as much as this, how much more Nigerians living in Nigeria that face the reality everyday! I love Nigeria! The jokes, the people, the live free shows, clips right from the airport through to the city just tells my nerves to relax. I’m home! God bless Nigeria and bless Akpos too. Has anyone seen the lady praying casting and binding fat in her food and body?. A great opportunity to laugh away your worries!

    Are u walking on a lonely road and you think nobody cares? Good news ! Jesus cares, call on him, He always hears! Sent from my iPhone

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    1. Ah, the indomitable Nigerian spirit… Akpos keeps us going 🙂 Akpos for you then is comic relief, lubricating the ‘joints’ of Naija life 🙂

      I saw the video of that lady! Hilarious! 🙂

      Like

  5. Timi, had a lie in today as it’s bank holiday here and whilst laying in bed, read every story you have penned so far on lively twist! !
    Truly remarkable and I throway salute o. Welldone, every piece resonates with me.
    Keep them coming and we will keep reading!!!

    Like

    1. Ama for real? It thrills me to hear that my blog posts struck a chord with you- makes writing them worthwhile 🙂 Thanks for sharing & making my day! I’m looking forward to my dream holiday- a house on the hill by the sea, a laptop & all the books I’ve been trying to read for the past one year 🙂

      Like

  6. Hey girl! 1st time commenting on this! Good job! Just read the tolerance post, after spending the weekend ‘training’ between Schiphol and Den Haag CS (lightning visit to NL), haha…gotta love those trains! Cheers and all the best!

    Like

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