Follow the story, read: To Not Catch A Fly
To Date A Fly
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, eh nothing.”
“You’ve been frowning . . .”
“I’m just looking at the menu that’s all.”
“Oh? I think you’ll like the plantain and coconut fritters served with peppered ginger sauce and sautéed prawns with herbs and seasonal vegetables. You could do a side order of—”
“Well I don’t see why they have to decorate fried plantain and stew and call it by a fancy name. Dodo is just fine.”
“It’s fine dining cuisine. It’s not just about frying plantain, it’s about the textures and flavours—”
“Are those codes for the food? Those numbers on the side of the menu?”
“Ha ha ha! You’re joking right? Duh, that’s the Naira code, the price.”
“Whew! Wow that’s one expensive plantain. Did they import it from the Amazon rain forest?”
“What’s the problem? This is my treat. They should have given you the menu without—”
“I’m taking you out. There’s no way I’ll let you pay—”
“Point of correction. I am the one who asked you out—”
“Okay, it doesn’t really matter who invited who. We’re here now and I’ll be handling the bill—”
“Then stop moaning please . . .”
“Sorry about that.”
“Shall we order? Are you ready to order drinks now?”
“Y . . . yes.”
“The wine selection is excellent. This special occasion calls for a—”
“Th . . .Tho . . . Those begin from N13,500 for a bottle?”
“Actually that’s like. . . what’s today’s exchange rate . . . $13 for a glass, if we just go for two glasses, which is why . . . anyway, what do you fancy?”
“I think I’ll have water. Whew! Em . . . this water, is it from a mountain in Israel?”
“You’re joking right? You’ve started again . . .”
“It’s it’s—”
“What is the matter now?”
“Look let me just be honest. I don’t spent this kind of money on meals. It can feed many starving kids in Ethiopia!”
“Your car . . . You have a car, right?”
“Of course!”
“Why haven’t you sold it and used the money to buy bicycles for the suffering in India?”
“B . . . But—”
“And for your information, don’t buy into that poverty porn narrative. What Africa needs is solid capital inflow to the real sectors—”
“Okay. Okay already! I’m just not used to places like this . . .”
“Well I don’t come here everyday either. Since it’s the first time we’re going somewhere other than a seminar, I just thought . . .”
“I’m not blaming you or anything. But I don’t want to disappoint you because what if I can’t keep up . . .?”
“Can I ask a personal question? Don’t you work in oil and gas? How much do you earn?”
“Em, that’s a bit invasive don’t you think? On a first date?”
“After eight seminars, no I don’t think so. In fact let’s even address the elephant in the room.”
“Sigh! The age thing is tricky—”
“That’s like the second elephant—”
“Oh?”
“What are we doing? I mean where’s this thing headed?”
“Well we are getting to know each other better—”
“Is that it? Is that all?”
“I . . .I . . .I have an undeniable need to stare at your DP on WhatsApp ever so often and I lie awake wondering if midnight is too late to chat with you. I want to call you first thing in the morning because I wonder how you are but also because I like the way you sound and the memory of what you sounded like the day before is no longer enough. I want to lace my fingers with yours and watch you add color to my world as you laugh at something silly I said . . . When I’m with you, I feel ten feet tall—”
“Oh . . .”
“Say something. Have you fallen for me like I’ve fallen for you?”
“I’m six years older! By the time I started developing breasts you were learning that one plus one equals two!”
“And I grew up to be excellent at maths—”
“Be serious!”
“I’m serious. I’ve thought of nothing else . . . I even watched a programme on Al Jazeera about the viability of eggs in older women—”
“Excuse me? What did u say? Thirty-six is not menopause!”
“I didn’t mean it like that—”
“We don’t even know if your sperm can swim!”
“Ah-ah is this how it’s going to be?”
“How can you say something like that?”
“Do you want me to be lying to you?”
“At least you could have been diplomatic . . .”
“I’m sorry that my honesty is unbecoming. I promise to lie through my teeth to satisfy your vanity, so help me God!”
“Ha ha ha!”
“I worry that I need to make more money to satisfy your taste for this exotic plantain—”
“Ha ha ha! That’s it! I’m paying for dinner!”
“Give me your hand—”
“Why?”
“Woman stop fighting me at every turn! Give . . . yeah, that’s better. Listen, six can be the number that conquers us or it can be our special number. I don’t have all the answers, but neither do you. I’m willing to work with you to check all the boxes. And when we come to a difficult one we’ll work on it together. Deal?”
“Hmmm. Okay.”
***
“The food wasn’t bad was it?”
“Plantain from the Amazon rain forest, prawns from Gambia, virgin cocktails from Mars . . . no, no, it could not be bad at all. It had to be good!”
“Ha ha ha! Please pass the dessert menu.”
“You … You’re having dessert?”
“Geez! Junior you look like you’re going to faint.”
“I am!”
“Ha ha ha! There are going to be many boxes to check under finances—”
“I can see that already . . .”
“Okay let’s skip dessert. I know this great ice cream place—”
“Ice cream from Jupiter?”
“Ha ha ha! From Earth, so pretty affordable—”
“What are you doing? Pass the bill—”
“No, it’s okay, I’m the one that brought you to Venus—”
“Stop! What are you doing? Stop! Waiter! Don’t do this—”
“Done. Paid with my card. That’s settled then. Ready?”
“You shouldn’t have—”
“Let’s not make a big deal out of this please?”
“Babes, two of us can’t wear the pants in this relationship—”
“Meaning?”
“Let me be the man.”
________________________________________
Dodo: Deep-fried ripe plantain
©Timi Yeseibo 2016
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